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Debain WrEtch: review of an UnAmerican Linux system

By on April 28, 2007 (8:00:00 AM)

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PARODY: Debain is the only group of software developers who still believe that Richard Stallman invented programming. Everyone else now correctly credits Bill Gates for doing so. Debain developers hold themselves separate from the rest of the Linux community because of their pride in not stealing from other operating systems to build their version of Linux. All other versions of Linux are based directly on Windows.
This pride has been codified as the Debain Free Software Guidelines, or as it's commonly known, the GPL. Debain pays some of its developers in a successful effort to piss off the rest of its developers. Debain was originally created and maintained by Ian Murdoch and his wife, who are secretly paid by Software in the Public Interest, a conservative think-tank based in Branson, Missouri, which is owned by the British billionaire Richard "I simply rock harder" Branson.

You can generally recognize a Debain user if you see one, as they customarily wear bright colors, have waist-length beards, and tend to sport pastel eyepatches and/or crack pipes. Debain developers look similar, but they usually carry some sort of small monkey, parrot, or miniature fat pony on their shoulders. It's also easy to recognize Debain developers because none of them are Americans. All true Americans run Genuine Windows Vista, and have no need for Debain.

It is rumored that as many as 110% of terrorists are Debain developers, and that the WrEtch release, occurring as it does so closely to the Vista launch, is a sign that the terrorists wish to leave their mark on Microsoft's profits in particular, and on the US economy in general. Given all of this, it's no surprise that Debain's logo is red and that Debain itself is an ancient African word meaning Down with America.

Now about Debain WrEtch Linux

There are many kinds of Linux. The Linux (pronounced 'Teh Li-nux') popularly known as Debain WrEtch is more like a Macintosh OS than a real American operating system. I purchased a 7 CD game set of Debain WrEtch on Ebay for $29. Seemed cheap enough, but I was sorely disappointed when it arrived. There was no joystick or anything, and I couldn't even figure out if it ran on XBox or Playstation. Strike one!

The Debain WrEtch GUI installer would be completely unintuitive to someone who wasn't already familiar with the text based installer, and vice-versa. Look, I know the Debain guys say they have worked on the installer, but really, I don't see it. It's still way too complicated. I mean, it asked me all these questions about drivers and partitions and stuff. When I installed Cygwin on my Windows box, I only had to download one single EXE file, and then there was one single window where I had to check off a few things. Why couldn't WrEtch be that simple?

Debain WrEtch copied Red Hat's packaging manager, known as RPM, which is short for Royal Partition Modifier, but they tried to cover up their cloning by calling it DEB. DEB is a reference to the debits to your credit card that will occur after you use any of its available insecure browsers, such as IceWolverine, or that other one.

Installing RPM software with Debain WrEtch is easy, but potentially painful. You use a tool called APT (A Probing Tool) to install software on your Debain system. It's often an uncomfortable experience, so you may want to try Fedora's competing YUM tool to install your RPMs. To do this, you must install Fedora, which I used as the reference for the rest of this review. Anyway, if you stick with Debain, APT will automatically download RPMs for you, renaming them as DEB files in the process, so that APT knows that they're supposed to be installed. Got that? In short, on Debain WrEtch, DEB is RPM for APT.

Some aspects of Debain are very backward. For instance, sometimes software comes with extra programs that are designed to enhance the user's experience. On the rare occasions when the main programs install at all, these extra programs, like Bonzai Buddy, or Gator Desktop (made by Google) almost never work. And Debain doesn't even come with Windows Update. If you want to use necessary American business software like Outlook, forget it.

I want to berate WrEtch for not including Beagle++, which I simply must have, but really have no idea what it is. I've read a lot of websites talking about it, so it must be pretty good. I tried running Halo 2, Final Fantasy X, Guitar Hero, Gears of War, Zelda: Twilight Princess, and S.T.A.L.K.E.R. on this latest version of Debain, but none of these mission critical apps worked. Absolutely none of them. This only goes to prove that Debain WrEtch is a lousy operating system. How do they expect to compete with Enterprise Ready operating systems like Vista with these sorts of limitations? Strike two!

And don't get me started about drivers. I have this fancy, brand-new, expensive nVidia video card. But in order to use it, I had to go find a suppository, or was it repository, anyway, it's something like that, and then figure out how to use APT (A Probing Tool) on it.

With Vista, all I had to do was get a USB stick (because the network drivers don't "take") and walk it over to my other machine and get a beta account on the nVidia site, and sign the NDA and wait for my email response and then find the right driver to download, and then I downloaded it and put it on the USB stick (well, I had to take it back off the USB stick because it wasn't recognized by Vista, and I had to burn it to a CD, but it's basically the same thing), and then I just had to run the installer and agree to the License Agreement and then make sure I went into the registry and set the keys that let me install an unsigned driver, and then the video card worked fine. Why can't Debain WrEtch be that easy? The obvious answer is "Communism."

Once I did get Debain drivers for my video card installed, I was a little bit impressed with the fact that its GUI let me use transparent windows in some cases. It's a widely known fact that Vista invented transparent windows, so for Debain to have copied this feature already demonstrates some small amount of initiative on the part of the developers.

The biggest disadvantage to using Debain to install all of your drivers is that, unlike Vista, it will let you install 'unsigned' drivers. 'Unsigned' means that generally they have a virus, which can destroy your computer. This is why there are many more Windows machines on the Internet than Debain WrEtch machines. As soon as a Debain WrEtch machine gets put on the Internet, it will generally get a virus and be used to send spam, sell Viagra, and distribute kiddie porn. Because it gets viruses and other bugs as soon as it's connected to the Internet, it's often referred to as 'Open Sores'.

Another problem with Debain is that you can't get commercial support for it. If Windows ever breaks, you can call up Microsoft and they can get you back up in no time. With Debain you have to connect to the Internet and go into a 'chat room' -- that's right, the same place where perverts and NBC Dateline hang out -- before you can find anyone to help you.

Alternatively, you can try to find help on one of like a thousand different websites. Good luck trying to figure out which one to use when there are so many! As a sign that The Linux is starting to mature, Linux Genuine Advantage has been recently made available. However, even with LGA, Debain has a long way to go before it performs as well as Vista.

I found the lack of credit given to Ublewtoo by Debain WrEtch disturbing, since Linux started in Africa. Everyone knows that Debain was founded in Africa, by a wealthy 5 hit die Lich from the Sudan, but everyone probably doesn't know that the scheme Debain uses for naming its different versions comes from ancient Sumerian.

WrEtch, for example, is the name of a particularly nasty variant of tapeworm that plagued the people of Mesopotamia. The word Debain itself comes from the African word that means 'thief,' indicating that Debain is going to steal users from other operating systems.

It's also a sort of play on words as to the origin of Debain, which was created by a team of African software developers who wanted to show that they could write an Operating System without having to steal anything from Microsoft.

That said, because Microsoft is partially funded by its own advertising revenue, not using Windows is tantamount to having stolen your computer. The infamous Debain swirl was inspired by the delectable swirls in a Lil' Debbie Swiss Cake Roll, which isn't African, cake, or an African cake at all. But being Swiss, it's also anti-American.

Obtaining the Ublewtoo Debain WrEtch Ultimate Gaming Edition requires the use of a software piracy and virus dissemination tool called BitTorrent, which was developed by a group of young Swedish hippie socialists and their attorney, named Bram Stoker.

First, one is required to download a 'torrent' file, which is actually a virulent trojan that allows anyone to upload data to your computer. After enough people have uploaded Scheisse videos and barnyard pornography to your disk drive, the BitTorrent program will send each connected user your credit card information and then assemble the uploaded content into the Ubuntu Debain wrEtch Ultimate Edition installation CD image.

Alternatively, you can obtain CroMagnum Debain, the Enterprise version of Debain, otherwise known as Ublewtoo, by paying Novell, which pays Microsoft, which uses the money to graciously install real operating systems which are shipped for free with most systems.

In conclusion...

Overall, I have to say that Debain WrEtch Linux is not a bad first effort from a bunch of uneducated, non-American, hippie/terrorist programmers. In some ways, it's quite impressive how much they have been able to develop in only the last three years, especially considering that most of them don't get paid at all. They don't get out much either. Still, it's clear that they have a long way to go to catch up with a real software company like Microsoft, who spends billions of dollars a year on innovation and security to come up with something like Vista.

And Debain will surely never catch up to Apple, let alone Vista, because they don't have the guts to charge $800 for anything, much less a phone.

Disclaimer: While I haven't actually installed WrEtch, or any version of Debain, or any version of the Linux at all, on any of my machines, I've read a lot of websites about such platforms, in particular the ones at Microsoft.com, so I feel that I am completely qualified to review it. If you don't forward this story to three friends within the next five minutes -- and I'm totally serial here -- your computer will become infected with this Debain virus just because information about it was on your screen.

Where am I? Oh, yeah: Don't buy Debain WrEtch, get a Motorola Crazer-berry instead. A red one!

------

*This article was written by a group of devout Debian users who regularly read and enjoy articles by noted IT journalist Steven J. Vaughan-Nichols.

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Comments

on Debain WrEtch: review of an UnAmerican Linux system

Note: Comments are owned by the poster. We are not responsible for their content.

Ouch...

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 28, 2007 06:33 PM
Not bad, a few really funny parts, some pretty painful. Was misspelling Debian every time part of the joke, too?

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Re:Ouch...

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 06:53 AM
debian+detain=debain? (Just kidding...<nobr> <wbr></nobr>;) )

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Re:Ouch...

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on May 01, 2007 06:19 AM
Are you fucking kidding, you lump of cunting cock jam? FFS<nobr> <wbr></nobr>...

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Re:Ouch...

Posted by: Administrator on April 29, 2007 01:44 AM
I didn't even notice he spelt it wrong until you pointed it out.

Go go pseudo-dyslexia!

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Bravo!!

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 28, 2007 06:37 PM
Bravo!! Thanks! Made my day!

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SJVN + vista

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 28, 2007 07:00 PM
SJVN doesn't <a href="http://www.desktoplinux.com/articles/AT9727687530.html" title="desktoplinux.com">doesn't like Vista, though!</a desktoplinux.com> Although I still laughed.

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Now that is funny...

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 28, 2007 07:20 PM
Not!

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Re:Now that is funny...

Posted by: Administrator on April 28, 2007 07:22 PM
yes it is

=))

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So funny - Debain user Nokia must be laughing too.

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 28, 2007 07:37 PM
Debian user Nokia must be laughing at this as they are laughing all the way to the bank with their N800. N800 and maemo.org project (apps for UMPC class devices such as the N800) are opensource.
Nokia "gets it"... Watch out for others to jump on the maemo.org project as the corporations who do hardware see this as the way they really want to travel. Hopefully, when Intel does it's UMPC based on LINUX (announced by Intel within the last month at at show in China) they will take a long look at maemo.org as well. It's not the OS stupid, it is also the applications, and maemo.org is the happening place in the app space for UMPCs. I can see every power saving laptop in the world using maemo.org as a source repository, One Laptop Per Child advanced LCD tech with supperior battery saving features, ECC and WearLeveling Flash technology, and Debian. The Nokia company seems to like debian too (interviews with their brass show this to be true).

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Buahahaha, very cool story

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 28, 2007 08:04 PM
The torrent part is the best one. Very funny stuff, I would like to read oftener something like this.

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this is great

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 28, 2007 09:31 PM
That is hilarious. I *love* SJVN articles and this was the abosolute best thing he has ever (not) wrote!

deanlinkous

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now send this on

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 28, 2007 10:08 PM
This is an excellent fit for Shelleytherepublican.com

<a href="http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/2007/03/23/does-the-world-really-need-olpc.aspx" title="shelleytherepublican.com">http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/2007/03/23/do<nobr>e<wbr></nobr> s-the-world-really-need-olpc.aspx</a shelleytherepublican.com>

for even more laughs

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Re:now send this on

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 12:13 PM
A good place to laugh until you realize they are serious and thus hopelessly sick.

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I feel cheated.

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 28, 2007 10:19 PM
Testing is now Lenny. How cum those of us on testing were left out?

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But... I'm a Debian user...

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 12:59 AM
... and I don't have a shoulder monkey.

What does a Debian user have sell, sign or infect to get his shoulder monkey?

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Re:But... I'm a Debian user...

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 02:34 AM
Only debian developers get the shoulder monkies.Users just get pastel eye patches and crack pipes.

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Re:But... I'm a Debian user...

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 02:39 AM
s/debian/debain/<nobr> <wbr></nobr>;-)

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Re:Hilarious!

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 01:57 AM
Personally, I like SVJN's articles, but this article is really funny. He does have a bit of a hate for Debain...

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Crap

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 02:07 AM
This article was complete crap.

"Linux.com" - "The Enterprise Linux Resource"
Is that befitting this article? I think not.

Must be a really slow news day.

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Re:Crap

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 03:20 AM
umm dude, it is a PARODY<nobr> <wbr></nobr>:) chill

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GNAA has taken over

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 03:14 AM
Looks like the GNAA has officially taken over linux.com

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Funny?

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 03:19 AM
This thing was funny? From which angle?<nobr> <wbr></nobr>:=/
If it was written by some "devout Debian users" and it was supposed to be funny, then those users have a really weird sense of humor.

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Re:Funny?

Posted by: Administrator on April 29, 2007 06:09 AM
For those who have a sense of humor - it is funny
If you have read SJVN's silly articles - it is funnier.

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Could have been funnier

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 04:03 AM
Parody is basically an imitation that twists its target to make it funnier and sometimes also to mock and criticize it. For these purposes, parody needs to resemble its target to some extent. This article fails to resemble sjvn's writings and this is why its parody isn't very funny.

The real sjvn doesn't like Windows. The real sjvn also wouldn't install debian on his computers; he prefers mepis, linspire and ubuntu. This is also why his rants about debian are often so misinformed -- all his knowledge about debian is based on rumours, blogs and hearsay. If only this parody article managed to capture the real reason why sjvn doesn't understand debian, it might have been much funnier.

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Re:Could have been funnier

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 08:54 AM
Parody does not have to resemble its target, look at Chevy Chase's Jerry Ford and Will Ferrell's GWB, neither of which resembles the target but both of which are humorous.

Or are you one of those comedy snobs that wants funny "Ha Ha" and not funny "Ho Ho?"

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Re:Could have been funnier

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on May 01, 2007 04:30 AM
No. Parody is like a caricature -- it needs to resemble the target in some ways if it's supposed to be funny. For instance, the following is a funny caricature of George W. Bush, but only because the animation character resembles mister Bush.

<a href="http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm" title="planetdan.net">http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm</a planetdan.net>

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Re:Could have been funnier

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on April 29, 2007 05:26 PM
"The real sjvn also wouldn't install debian on his computers; he prefers mepis, linspire and ubuntu. This is also why his rants about debian are often so misinformed -- all his knowledge about debian is based on rumours, blogs and hearsay."

And that's exactly what the parody is all about!

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prefers mepis, linspire, and ubuntu?

Posted by: Administrator on April 30, 2007 08:45 AM
All of which are Debian-derived,

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Re: Could have been funnier

Posted by: Anonymous [ip: 118.92.133.174] on March 01, 2008 10:45 AM
"If only this parody article managed to capture the real reason why sjvn doesn't understand debian"

i.e. that he is a lazy, dickhead MS PocketBoy FUDmesiter pseudojournalist wackjob?

This parody contains more facts per line than SVJN's average 'real' article.

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Nah, he loves SuSE...

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on May 01, 2007 07:16 AM
...which is not Debian-based. Someone else mentioned that SJVN's evangelism of SuSE makes him look like he's on Novell's payroll, and in light of their patent deal w/ M$, I kinda wonder about that myself now....

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The Perpetrators

Posted by: Anonymous Coward on May 01, 2007 09:01 AM
Mention the edited version vs. <a href="http://www.sslug.org/node/38" title="sslug.org">their version</a sslug.org>

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Hilarious!

Posted by: Administrator on April 28, 2007 11:36 PM
I was getting seriously tired of Steven J. Vaughan-Nichols and the crap he writes. I woonder if he gets paid for that. I am sure - the way he backs Novell - that he is on the Novell payroll.

The parody is a good imitation of his writing style and contents of his articles.

Again<nobr> <wbr></nobr>... it was hilarious reading it

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LOL! Nice one!

Posted by: Administrator on April 28, 2007 07:46 PM
I admire the way it is written and being a Debian user myself, I find it really funny. Now where do I download a copy of Debain WrEtch?

By the way, while the entire story was so faithfully written using Debain instead of Debian and WrEtch using Etch, I did notice one line that used Etch... It says, "Ubuntu Debain Etch Ultimate Edition installation CD image"

Still funny - really.

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Completely agree !!

Posted by: Anonymous [ip: 81.99.203.92] on August 14, 2007 12:54 AM
Never had any of those viruses on my pc.. I'm so happy I could have read the article. Now I know I'm not the only one who believes M$ is the only REALLY safe operating system.
.
.
:)

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Re: Completely agree !!

Posted by: Anonymous [ip: 118.92.133.174] on March 01, 2008 10:52 AM
"I'm so happy I could have read the article"...

Oh yeah, i would've read this parody, but a guy on IRC mentioned a blog post where the guy said he'd heard a podcast about a wiki entry that said it was shite, so i didn't bother...

..oh yeah, and my weekly deadline was up so i had to post this drivel reply so i get paid by M<CENSORED>oft this week...

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one mistake

Posted by: Anonymous [ip: 12.217.251.32] on November 27, 2007 05:45 AM
That's "BitTorment," not "BitTorrent"

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Re: one mistake

Posted by: Anonymous [ip: 118.92.133.174] on March 01, 2008 10:57 AM
Exactly, it tortures the bits by making them arrive 90 degrees out of phase with the original at your network adaptor.

That's why you have to watch all the DVD's sideways unless you are in Europe... and vice versa... no wait, in the other case you have to watch them upside down.. erm... i think.

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